X’ Finally Marks the Spot for Lost Colonie Man

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published January 31st, 2016

COLONIE — Caspar Wortman hasn’t been home in weeks.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to return to his Colonie house. It’s not even that he hasn’t tried to make his way back.

“I just don’t know what fucking house is mine. They all fucking look the same,” said the exasperated 59-year-old retired Air Force veteran.

Wortman lives in the new development built just off Sand Creek Road near the traffic circle on the Macy’s side of Colonie Center Mall.

“It’s like living inside a goddamn Pringles can,” Wortman said. “My God.”

The saga started 17 days ago when Wortman, who moved into the development only a month ago, stepped out for milk.

“I went to Hannaford up there on Wolf Road and when I came back, I parked my car and walked into what I thought was my home. But instead, there’s a lady doing Hip Hop Abs in the living room. Well, I apologized and got the hell out of there.

“So, then I tried the house next door and there at the kitchen table is an Asian couple,” Wortman said shaking his head. “By now I was getting pissed, so I ran across the street, kicked in the door to that house and there on the sofa was a hippie chick reading Tarot cards to some Nancy boy with a crystal around his neck.”

Complicating matters is that Wortman forgot to take his phone with him, making it impossible for his wife, Pearl, to get a hold of her husband.

“I tell you, ever since he retired, it’s like he’d forget his head if wasn’t attached,” said Pearl.

Perhaps taking a page from the survival training he received in the military, Wortman hunkered down and lived off the land.

“Well, to be exact, Denny’s” on Wolf Road, he said. “Thank God this place is open 24 hours a day. And with both my veteran and senior citizen status, the food’s been pretty cheap. Though, I have to say, I’ve had my fill of French toast slams.”

Though Wortman had spent each day driving through the neighborhood trying to remember where he lived, it wasn’t until Pearl painted a giant red “X” out front on their siding that finally allowed her husband to find their home.

“I knew that had to be our place,” said Wortman. “Pearl is originally from Alabama and never learned to read or write. That ‘X’ was more than just a marker. It’s how she signs her name.”


RELATED ARTICLES

• Developer Calls on Colonie to Make Prostitution Legal
• Wall Aims to Stem Flow of South Colonie Migrants into North’s Tony Confines
• Skylane Motel Plan Aims to ‘Scare’ Up Tourist Dollars for Colonie
• Colonie’s ‘Sonic Boom’ Results in Soaring Crime
• North Colonie Kids Visit Border to See Poverty Up-Close
• Colonie to Rehab Skylane Motel; Pledges to Preserve Its Charm