Area Sees Rise In Men Complaining Of Freezing Their Nuts Off

By Fred Furnace

Published February 14th, 2016

Men freezing their balls off. (Photo by Simsala111.)

ALBANY — This past weekend’s bitter cold weather is causing a dramatic increase in reports of frozen balls, say doctors from Albany Medical Center.

Nearly 25 percent of men across the Capital Region — spoiled perhaps from this winter’s mild temperatures — complained Saturday and Sunday that the cold weather was "freezing my balls off," while another 22 percent of men similarly bitched the frigid temperatures were "freezing my nuts off,” “freezing my nads off,” or “freezing my nuggets off.”

“It's a real problem," says Dr. Margaret Chen, who heads the hospital’s Winter Afflictions unit. "It's been very cold this weekend and, unfortunately, we have seen a sharp increase in the number of men complaining that their testicles are freezing off.”

Dr. Chen blames the phenomenon on the general "wussification" of the local male population, coupled with the fact that many area men continue to wear seasonally inappropriate clothing — including shorts, sandals and tee shirts.

"Men just aren't as tough as they used to be," Chen concluded. "And they seem to be getting dumber each year, as well."

Michael Peil, an 88-year-old Korean War veteran from Watervliet agrees, claiming "God stopped making real men sometimes in the 1950s."

"Men today are weak little sissy-asses, if you ask me," Peil said. "You never heard Dwight D. Eisenhower complain that his balls were freezing off, did you? That’s because he was a man. He also had the sense to wear a proper overcoat when he left the house; not like the morons running around today."

Chad Stoops, a 38-year-old pizza delivery driver from Cohoes — who complained all daylong Sunday that his nuts were freezing off and bitched 49 times during last winter’s frigid temps — disagrees, claiming his wimpiness and stupidity has nothing to do with it.

"I think it’s just really cold these days, yo,” Stoops said, while filling his gas tank at a local Stewarts station dressed only in pajama pants, flip flops, and a thin fleece pullover. "I'm freezing my balls off right now, as a matter or fact.”

Meanwhile, area hospitals are working overtime to deal with the outbreak of frozen balls, but are struggling to keep up.

"If area men don’t stop complaining that their nuts are freezing off, we are going to have a real calamity on our hands," Chen warned. “These guys need to man-up, put on warmer clothes, and stop with all this whining already."


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