Cleavage Blamed for Massive Northway Pile-up

By Fred Furnace

Published February 28th, 2016

Wreck on left was caused by rack on right.

CLIFTON PARK – A 22-car pile-up Saturday on I-87 brought northbound traffic to a longstanding halt, stretching from Exit 9 all the way back to Exit 4.

The wreck happened when the driver of a Ford F-150 pickup became distracted after noticing a woman with “a seriously nice rack” driving next to him in a Volvo station wagon.

Police said 44-year-old Chris Timms of Ballston Spa took his eyes off the road for an extended period of time to get a better look at the woman’s breasts. His vehicle then eventually swerved off the shoulder and into the guardrail, causing a chain-reaction pile-up. 

No one was seriously injured in the wreck, but the Northway became a parking lot for nearly three hours.

“We believe the driver abandoned commonsense,” said Capt. Matt Morris of the State Police. “Those knockers put him under a trance or something; they really did a number on him.”  

While Northway traffic jams have become routine in recent years, Saturday’s tie-up is believed to be the first caused by cleavage.

The driver of the Volvo, 33-year-old Nicole Jones of Clifton Park, said she feels horrible for causing the accident, but also admits to feeling “really flattered” by all the attention her boobs have garnered.

“I had a baby about six months ago and I’m still nursing,” she said. “Even though I’m sleep deprived and feel like crap most of the time, I have to admit: my breasts do look absolutely amazing right now.”

Borrowing actress Teri Hatcher's famous line from Seinfeld, Jones later tweeted out a picture of her cleavage, along with the message: “They’re real, and they’re spectacular! Thanks for noticing, CapitaLand!”

Police, meanwhile, said reckless driving charges against Timms were unlikely due to the mitigating circumstances.

“On the one hand, this guy was clearly driving erratically,” Morris stated. “But on the other hand, Ms. Jones’ boobs really are quite spectacular. I’m thinking we will probably just let him go with a warning and leave it at that.”


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