Prosecutor Blows Off Work To Watch SVU Marathon

By Curtis Riboflavin

Published February 28th, 2016

TROY – An assistant district attorney in Rensselaer County is in hot water after using three sick days last week to watch re-runs of the show Law & Order: Special Victims Unit on the USA Network.

Myron Gulch, a senior assistant for District Attorney Jonah Applelove, is so “hooked” on the law enforcement drama that he even missed part of an ongoing murder trial in which he is the lead prosecutor.

“Myron thinks SVU is far more interesting than anything that happens in Troy,” explained his wife of nine years, who spoke on the condition that her name not be published. “And the cops and prosecutors have a way better winning percentage than in real life, too. So Myron’s been home watching SVU to get tips. He's always trying to get better.”

She said Gulch demands that no one interrupt him when “the good episodes with Stabler are on,” a reference to the character of hard-boiled lead Detective Elliot Stabler, played by Christopher Meloni. The character left the show after 12 seasons in 2011, much to Gulch’s chagrin.

“You don’t want to bother Myron if a Stabler episode is on,” his wife said. “And he loves the chemistry between Elliot and (Detective) Olivia (Benson played by Mariska Hargitay). He thinks they would have made dynamite lovers.”

A Smudge reporter paid a visit to Gulch’s home in East Greenbush for comment, but a sign on the door simply read, “Go Away, SVU Is On.” The reporter could hear a TV blaring the distinct voice of SVU character Dr. George Huang, an FBI criminal profiler and psychiatrist (played by B.D. Wong) conducting an interview with a criminal suspect.

Meanwhile DA Applelove was not so amused by Gulch’s absence.

“We need this asshole in here prosecuting cases, not home watching Law & Order spinoffs,” the DA told the Smudge.  “Besides, the only prosecutor worth her salt on that show was Alexandra Cabot (played by Stephanie March), and she was killed off years ago. Meanwhile, that Casey Novak (played by Diane Neal) is unreliable and irresponsible; if Myron is learning from her, it would explain why he’s such a screw up!”


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