Colonie High Transfer Feigns 'Affluenza' To Fit In At Shaker

By Scott Salad

Published March 6th, 2016

Shaker student, Toby Chewl, spotted here buying shit clothing at J.C. Penny's days after
being diagnosed with affluenza.

COLONIE— As Saratoga High struggles to contain a serious outbreak of ‘affluenza,’ a Shaker student has come under fire for faking the disease in order fit in at his new school.

Just two days after being diagnosed with the illness, Colonie High transfer Toby Chewl was outted when he was seen shopping for low-grade apparel at the J.C. Penney in Colonie Center.

“The kids afflicted with this disease won’t be found shopping for Arizona jeans at Penneys,” said Dr. Eugene Breath, a virology expert with the Center for Disease Control who has been working on the Saratoga High outbreak. “Kids with affluenza are typically sporting something expensive, so that when they're caught driving drunk in their parent's luxury sedan their mugshot reflects their tax bracket.”

The CDC said the misdiagnosis came after Chewl told medical personnel at Shaker that his parents spent more than $2500 on him at Christmas and that he sometimes has trouble distinguishing right from wrong — two key symptoms of the arrogant asshat disease. But after being caught at J.C. Penney, the 17-year-old admitted he falsified the claims in order to get in good with the in-crowd.

“I just wanted to be accepted,” said Chewl. “I was one of the popular kids at Colonie; but at Shaker, well, I'm just a guy from the wrong side of the tracks. Kind of like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink.

In addition to the reasonably-priced jeans, Chewl also purchased three St. John's Bay long-sleeve T-shirts, an 8-pack of cotton socks, and a faux-leather wallet thought to be made of polyurethane.

School Superintendent Diane Weiss said she shuddered when she learned of the spree.

“Toby going around pretending to be rich, arrogant and morally bankrupt just to make friends is one thing,” said Weiss. “But purchasing cheap socks at J.C. Penney? I mean, come on son, show some dignity.”

Weiss went on to recommend Peruvian Vicuna socks which retail for $1,200.

“They're just amazing,” Weiss said of the Llama-like camelid. “Their hair is a very fine, delicate wool. Just wonderful. I gave my kids each a pair for Christmas.”

As punishment for misleading officials Chewl said he's being forced to play the Tin Man in the school's spring production of The Wiz.

“My parents tried to get me out of it but they couldn't,” the dejected Junior admitted. “Imagine, a bunch of suburban white kids doing The Wiz. How humiliating.”


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