Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Emerge From Troy Sinkhole
Published March 13th, 2016
Troy's sinkhole (left)/ The Four Horsemen (right)
TROY— Harbingers of the last judgment of Christ galloped out of the massive sinkhole on Campbell Avenue Thursday, leaving many wondering if the end of days is finally upon us.
Hours after exiting the fissure, Pestilence, War, Famine and Death dined at a Popeye’s restaurant on Hoosick Street, where they enjoyed items from the Louisiana chicken joint's controversial “Live Well” menu. Later, as city officials looked on in horror, they settled in a park near City Hall.
“What the heck?” said Mayor Patrick Madden, peeking at the legendary wraiths through his office window. “I knew I inherited big problems when I took office in January but I had no idea they were Book-of-Revelations big.”
In recent months, Troy has been marred by several well-publicized political scandals, budgetary gaffs and gangland murders. In addition, investigators believe the Campbell Avenue sinkhole, and the massive water-main break that dumped 10-million gallons on the city in January, are likely the effects of a crumbling infrastructure.
“In all fairness, the water-main break was probably a blessing in disguise,” noted Madden. “This place was filthy.”
While a feeling of dread settled over most of the Capital Region, Cohoes Mayor Sean Moose had a decidedly different reaction to the horsemen's presence in Troy.
“I'm a little miffed, to tell you the truth. We have the gate to hell,” said Moose, referring the Category-5 pothole that consumed most of the city last March. “If the apocalypse has to start somewhere, why not Cohoes?”
Backing Moose's sentiments, Vatican officials said they are sending representatives to Cohoes to verify whether the giant pothole is indeed a portal to eternal damnation. However, they remained tight-lipped when asked if the envoy would be speaking to the Four Horsemen while visiting the area.
“Depends on how things shake out,” said his holiness, Pope Francis. “Our top priority is still the purported hell gate in Cohoes. But we'll see.”
Back in Troy, a spokesman for the Four Horsemen downplayed the deathly specters’ arrival.
“At this time, the horsemen have no immediate plans to usher in the apocalypse,” said Chris Lucifarley. “They're just getting all their ducks in a row in case God gives the go-ahead. Part of that is picking the perfect place to kick things off.”
Lucifarley went on to say that the Four Horsemen plan to visit Corinth, Hoosick Falls, Amsterdam and Menands before leaving for Flint, Mich. later this month.