Troy Man With Coloring Book Hobby Now Dead to Wife and Kids

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published March 20th, 2016

This man's children hate him, and his wife no longer desires him, because he colors. (Photo by Missy)

TROY — Eleven-year-old Jordan Womp won’t let his father, Neil, come to his Pop Warner football games anymore. His dad is also persona non-grata at his CYO hoop games.

Meanwhile, when it came time for her fifth-grade Father & Daughter Dance at St. Beelzebub School, Kylie Womp told classmates her father was dead.

“It’s not that we don’t love our dad. It’s just that he’s an embarrassment,” said Jordan. His sister was less judicious. “He’s a fucking pussy,” said the 10-year-old.

Ever since Neil Womp discovered the world of adult coloring books — a trend growing throughout the nation — he’s quit smoking and his hypertension has subsided. But while his stress has decreased, something else has happened to the 48-year-old ink cartridge salesman: He’s lost the respect of his wife and children.

“Why can’t my dad just develop a bad drinking habit and cheat on my mom like a normal guy who’s forced to cope with the demands of a loveless marriage, needy family and shitty job?” Kylie asked rhetorically.

Neil’s wife, Pinky, agreed.

“Do I want him to cheat? Of course not,” she said. “But I’d rather my husband go out and get laid than sit at home coloring super heroes. I can’t even look at him. He’s turned into a real Nancy. Totally sackless.”

Union College Psychology Professor Seymour Bulge said the adult-coloring book trend is simply a continuation of the ongoing ‘pussification’ of the American male.

“Male feminization, as we all know by now, started with Alan Alda,” said Bulge. “But over the years, the withering of the American man has splintered off into several disturbing directions. Not only do you have adult coloring book enthusiasts, but there are also those freaks known as the ‘Bronies’ who bond over their love of My Little Pony. Then there are the dweebs who are infatuated with Star Wars, there are your vegans, guys who watch ‘The Bachelor, and dudes in skinny jeans.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Bulge. “By no means should a man act like a chauvinist pig. But for God’s sake: you have balls and a penis, so act like it. Our fathers and grandfathers didn’t fight Nazis and Commies so you could wear fucking gages in your ears.”

Neil Womp said while he feels “terrible” that his coloring-book hobby has wreaked havoc on his home life, he added “it’s just something I need in my life right now.”

“Well,” said Pinky. “I need a guy with a dick and so if Neil insists on carrying on like some pansy, I’m going out and I’m gonna fuck my son’s football coach.”


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