Trump Cousin Claims The Donald’s Dong Is Short, Not Long

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published March 20th, 2016

Schenectady mayoral candidate Duane Trump, shown here, is not
impressed with Donald Trump's penis.

SCHENECTADY — Leading Republican presidential contender Donald Trump — who during a recent GOP debate creeped out voters when he boasted about the size of his penis— is known secretly by family members as “The Choad.”

So says Schenectady mayoral hopeful Duane Trump, ‘The Donald’s’ third cousin.

“Donald may have America believing he’s well-endowed, but I know the truth: There ain’t no meal in his lunch bag, just a little snack,” said Duane, clad in a T-shirt that said ‘Make Schenectady Marginally Acceptable Again.’

While stumping in Virginia in late February, Republican candidate Marco Rubio insinuated that Donald Trump was untrustworthy and had “small hands.” That prompted the billionaire real estate mogul a few days later during a nationally televised debate to declare:

“Look at those hands, are they small? He referred to my hands (saying) ‘if they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you, there’s no problem I guarantee,” said Trump, referring to his filthy rich nether region.

But Duane Trump, a local real estate agent with a net worth of roughly $14,000, said he’s actually seen his cousin’s junk, and “it’s neither a commander or chief.”

“We were at our aunt’s house for a family barbecue last summer and the guys were changing into their bathing suits out in the pool house,” said Duane. “And I’ll admit it: I sneaked a peek. Well, that peek turned in to a stare because I couldn’t see a damn thing. I thought he was tucking.”

When contacted by the Smudge, Donald Trump maintained what he lacks in length, he makes up for in girth.

“Long and thin will get you in, but short and fat is where it’s at,” he said before hanging up so no follow-up question could be asked.

When told what his cousin said, Duane acknowledged there may be some truth to the “girth” claim.

“Well, we call him ‘Choad’ and as everyone knows, a choad is dick that’s wider than it is long,” said Duane. “Now I can’t tell you how fat Donald’s John Thomas is, but I’ve seen rigatoni that’s longer than that guy’s noodle.”


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