Cuomo Growing Mustache
Published March 27th, 2016
(Original photo by Pat Arnow)
ALBANY— Anticipation surrounding the recent growth of stubble on Gov. Andrew Cuomo's upper lip hit a fevered pitch Thursday, leading an administration official to confirm what many have suspected for at least three days: New York's top dog is growing a mustache.
“The governor's five o'clock shadow is not due to negligence, nor is it the result of the outrageous cost of quality razor blades, as some have suggested,” said Cuomo spokesman Al Lewis. “It's the foundation of something much more substantial: It's going to be a very nice mustache.”
New York's soon-to-be bewhiskered chief executive — who was hosting a luncheon for Troy's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse who emerged last week from a sinkhole on Campbell Avenue— remained tight-lipped Friday, dodging all questions relating to his flourishing follicles.
“We'll talk about the stash next week, I promise,” said Cuomo. “But right now I'm here to welcome my good friends from the Book of Revelations.”
While early polls suggest that the majority of New Yorkers favor a long-term facial-hair strategy for the governor, critics argue that it’s just another example of an over-confident politico, full of swagger and biting off more than he can chew.
“He's dealing with higher-education funding, ethics reform and the minimum wage while he's growing a mustache?” asked former Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino. “Who does this guy think he is, Thomas Dewey?”
While Lewis agrees the move is a show of self-confidence, he vehemently denies it’s politically motivated.
“This mustache is personal,” said Lewis. “He's wanted one since high school, long before he wanted to be governor, but he just couldn't pull the trigger. He lacked the mettle. But he's stronger now — mentally, physically, emotionally — so he's going for it.”
Although the mustache isn't expected to reach full maturity until sometime in late May, that didn't stop other mustachioed statesmen from weighing in.
“Choosing to let a narrow strip of hair grow below my nose is without a doubt the best decision I've made in my life,” said Rep. Henry Waxman, D-California.
Sen. John Hoeven, R-North Dakota, pointed to his own and added, “I totally agree with Henry. I can't tell you how much pussy I've gotten because of this baby.”