Hillary’s Message to Cohoes: ‘Bill Was Once a Hick from a Podunk Town, Too’

By Fred Furnace

Published April 5th, 2016

Cohoes Skyline (Photo by Daniel Case)/ Hillary Clinton

COHOES —In what has been described as “the single biggest thing ever to happen to the city of Cohoes,” Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton spoke at Cohoes High School on Monday night, telling a boisterous crowd of supporters to “hang in there” because “even hicks from Cohoes” can make something of their lives. 

“Just look at my husband – when I first met Bill, he was a horny hillbilly from Arkansas,” said the former Secretary of State. “But, with my help, he straightened up and eventually became president of the United States.”

Working the crowd into an ape-shit frenzy, the Illinois-raised, Arkansas-expatriated, resident of New York’s Westchester County, added, in her trademark fake shout conveying forced passion:

“Arkansas isn’t that much better than Cohoes. If my knucklehead husband could make something of his life, then I say, so can the good and decent people of Cohoes! Rise above!” 

“Her words were truly inspirational,” said Trisha Goodwin, an 18-year-old senior who attended the event. “I didn’t even know she was married.”

Bryce McDonough, Goodwin’s classmate, agreed. “If that dumb horny Bill-guy made something of himself, then maybe I can, too!”

In between applause, Clinton took an opportunity to throw a few jabs at Republican candidate Donald Trump.

“Now, if Donald Trump were here in Cohoes tonight, he would look at this crowd and see a bunch of hicks who will never amount to anything,” she said to a chorus of boos.

“But not me. I see a bunch of hicks who could someday even move to a better town, such as Waterford, Latham, or maybe even Clifton Park!”

With that line, Clinton received her biggest cheers of the night.

“When she said I could someday move to Clifton Park – well, I just began to sob with joy,” said Nancy Park, a life-long resident of Central Avenue. “I had no idea we were allowed to move.”

Cohoes Mayor Sean Moose pledged that his city would deliver at least 200,000 votes for Hillary in the November election — despite that fact Cohoes has a population of only 16,000 residents.

“Don’t worry about the numbers,” Moose said. “Whether our voters are living, dead, incarcerated, plant, animal, inanimate object, or ‘other,’ we will deliver those votes in November. We always do.”


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