Schenectady Raises Minimum Wage to $250K Per Year

By Fred Furnace

Published April 4th, 2016

Schenectady City Hall (Photo illegally swiped from some guy posing as Matt Wade)

SCHENECTADY – In the midst of ongoing minimum wage debates in places like Albany, California, and the District of Columbia, the County of Schenectady has decided to take the game one-step further: a minimum wage that will transform its lowest-paid workers into some of the wealthiest people in the country.

The Schenectady County Legislature voted Friday to raise the county’s minimum wage from $8 per hour to $125 per hour — or approximately $250,000 annually for full-time employees. The law goes into effect January 1 and is predicted to be a "game changer" for working schlubs.

“State politicians have been wasting time, talking about raising the minimum wage to $15,"said county legislator Anthony Jazzinsky. "But that won’t help because those people will still be dirt poor.

“Here in Schenectady, we figured we should do something more extreme,” he explained. “So we decided we would make people fucking rich!”

Indeed, the pay hike is expected to catapult Schenectady into the top spot of wealthiest counties in the nation, just ahead of Loudoun County, Va., which held the top spot last year. Last year, Schenectady was number 2,038 on that list, one spot ahead of Rensselaer.  

Schenectady’s measure is far-and-away the most ambitious minimum wage effort in the nation, and was immediately lauded by every labor group, college kid and Democrat in the country.

“What a progressive and wonderful town Schenectady must be,” said Nicholas Kincaid, a Middlebury College sophomore and native of Colonie. “If my double-major in Creative Writing and Religious Studies doesn’t translate into a high-paying career, I will totally consider moving to Schenectady to become a one-percenter.”

Some — mostly accountants and Republicans — expressed doubt that the measure was feasible, but those concerns were drowned-out by the chorus of jubilation and optimism surrounding the legislation.

“I’m gonna be rich, bitch,” exclaimed part-time Uber driver Ted Wells of Union Street.

“This is going to be life-altering,” agreed cashier and Ashtanga yoga enthusiast, Melanie Melon of First Street.

In related news, County Executive Bill Musselman said “a significant percentage” of the county’s workforce would likely need to be terminated when the law takes effect, mostly due to “astronomically high costs” and the county’s “utter inability to pay those kinds of salaries." 

Likewise, Rush Street Gaming announced it will need to scrap its new casino project due to the legislation, but quickly added “we, nonetheless, support Schenectady’s efforts to make everyone rich and we hold no grudges.”


• Trump Cousin Claims The Donald’s Dong Is Short, Not Long
Trump Cousin Seeks Schenectady’s Top Post
• Game of Thrones Season 6 Spoiler: Schenectady Is Eighth Kingdom of Westeros
• Schenectady to Launch Anti-Utica Campaign
Schenectady Rubble A Pile of Opportunity, City Says