Stench Drives Albany Man To Abandon Health Kick

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published April 10th, 2016

Fed up with how health food makes him smell, Ludlow
Wigstock has resumed eating Garbage Plates.

ALBANY — A Center Square man who recently converted to veganism has returned to his carnivorous ways after admitting he could not stand his own smell.

“I tried to be healthy. Really,” said Ludlow Wigstock of Chestnut Street. “But my God, the fucking stink that was coming out of me — it smelled like I was fucking dying.”

Wigstock blames the foul scent on his transition from a meat-centric to legume-heavy diet he adopted three months ago in an effort to ward off heart disease, which runs in his family.

“Black beans, Lima beans, kidney beans, Adzuki beans, Fava beans — beans, beans, beans,” said the 36-year-old basket weaver. “I got those ‘walking farts’ that Larry the Cable Guy is always talking about. I sounded like I had a fucking trumpet in my pants.”

But worse than the sounds shooting from his ass, he said, was the smell.

“You know that stench when there’s a dead mouse behind a wall? Well, yeah, that was every morning after I had a cup of coffee. Let me tell you, there ain’t enough Glade spray in the world…”

Wigstock said though his father, grandfather and older brother all died of massive heart attacks in their 40s, his decision to abandoned beans in favor of burgers is worth the risk.

And his wife, Anna, agrees.

“It was like sleeping in a goddamn Dutch Oven each night with Lud,” she said. “I couldn’t take it. One night, I woke up to go pee and when I kicked the covers off our dog passed out.

“Look, I don’t want my husband to die, but I just couldn’t take his newfound healthy lifestyle. No shit, he smelled like he had dead animals up his ass.”


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