Albany Cops Take Rambling Elderly Man Into Custody

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published April 17th, 2016

ALBANY — City police Monday arrested an old, disheveled Jewish man standing in front of the Washington Armory, screaming about “big banks” and “climate change.”

“We don’t know who he is yet,” said Albany Police Spokesman Jason Bateman. “He insists he’s running for president, but mentally ill homeless men making grandiose claims isn’t anything new.”

Police said they responded to the armory after noticing a “commotion” involving an unusually large crowd of “unwashed” people standing outside the Washington Avenue building.

“Upon arriving at the scene, we observed a large number of white people in dreadlocks,” said Bateman. “That’s usually an indicator that something’s not right.”

After wading through the crowd, officers found a man who identified himself as “Bernie Sanders” standing on a wooden crate and screaming something about an “oligarchy.”

“He sounds like he’s from Brooklyn, but we have reason to believe based on information we received that he wandered here from Vermont,” said Bateman. “He could be an escapee from a mental hospital there, but we aren’t sure.”

The spokesman also said authorities were having difficulty gathering information from the man because “nearly everything out of his mouth is about Wall Street or some woman named Hillary.”

“He is clearly delusional, so right now we just want to get him some help,” said Bateman. “And a comb… we need to get him a comb. It appears he hasn’t combed his hair in several months, poor guy.”

Police said this wasn’t the only incident Monday in which a strange, drifter-type individual roamed around the city claiming to be running for president. Down near the Capitol, a nerdy, pock-faced man who said he was governor of Ohio was seen continually mumbling about “Medicaid.”

“He identified himself as ‘Kasich,’” Bateman said. “I hope I’m saying that right. Kay-sick. Either way, we let him be because unlike the old guy, he wasn’t creating a disturbance. In fact, no one was paying any attention to him at all.”


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