Gansevoort Man Ditches Wife and Kids To Watch Mel Kiper

By Quack Davis

Published May 1st, 2016

Photo by Marianne O'Leary

GANSEVOORT — Steve McTent realized a lifelong dream Saturday: He watched the NFL Draft from beginning to end without interruption from his family.

"I told my wife, 'For 51 weekends I belong to you. This weekend I belong to Mel,’" McTent, 47, told The Smudge, referring to ESPN draft expert and Dracula-lookalike Mel Kiper, a staple of the annual ritual during which the nation's top college football players are selected into the pro ranks.

McTent said that, last year, his wife Alyssa "kept trying to talk to me about our kids and finances and stupid shit like that.” The nagging, he said, prevented him from watching Kiper evaluate draft picks in the sixth and seventh rounds.

"Last year was brutal," McTent complained. "My wife was like, 'I need you to take our daughter to field hockey. I need you to help her with your homework.' And I was like, 'I need you to shut the fuck up! The Lions are on the clock, babe.' I mean, come on. There were offensive linemen and back-up quarterbacks flying off the board and this dingbat wants to talk about my daughter. Frickin' wives, right?"

McTent, a die-hard NFL Draft fan who religiously follows Kiper's "Big Board," reluctantly admitted he has a "growing respect" for Todd McShay, Kiper's bitter rival.

"He's a young horse," McTent said. "Todd McShay is where Kiper was 20 years ago. He's not Mel yet, but..."

The pot-bellied McTent added that, each year, he orders hundreds of dollars worth of pizza and chicken wings for the three-day event. He also said he does not shower.

"Why would I?" he asked rhetorically.  "It's the NFL Draft weekend. Who the hell am I gonna get all dressed up to see? My wife?"

"I can deal with my husband's grossness,” Alyssa said. “But that Kiper guy is too much. I'm so happy this stupid weekend is over. "


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