Feds Squash Hopes For ‘A Better Life’ in North Colonie

By Pug Ransom

Published May 8th, 2016

Federal officials detain South Colonie defectors following a raid in Latham.

NORTH COLONIE — Federal authorities Friday staged an early-morning raid on a low-budget Route 9 motel, where 36 people — described by witnesses as “unwashed” and “somewhat shiftless” — were found holed up in a single room.

Homeland Security Agent-in-Charge Robo Lickman characterized the group as being comprised of “defectors” from the south.

“Apparently, these were people from South Colonie who, at their own peril, attempted to escape to the north for a better life,” Lickman said. “Certainly, we can understand — and maybe even admire — their want to move to Loudonville or even Latham. But there’s a process to follow; otherwise North Colonie would be overrun with dirty and less fortunate people. We just can’t allow that.”

Crank Buckshaw was one of those taken into custody following the 5 a.m. raid at the Motel Six-Point-Five.

“Every day, my son and daughter come home from school completely defeated after reading Twitter threads in which the Shaker kids relentlessly mock South Colonie students for wearing Columbia and Sketchers instead of North Face and Sperries,” Buckshaw said. “It’s not right. I did this for them, as any parent would do.”

Maude Plump, who was handcuffed to Buckshaw, said the final straw for her came when a group of North Colonie teens flogged her son with a sock full of $5 bills on “College Sweatshirt” day.

“Each year, the high school sets aside a day for seniors to wear apparel from the college to which they will be attending,” said Plump. “My son was so excited and proud when he left the house that day in his SUNY Buffalo hoodie.

“But after school, he crossed paths with a gang of Shaker ruffians wearing mauve Tommy Hilfiger shorts. They started shouting ‘Cornell! Cornell!” at him. And then, that’s when they flogged him with the money. It was awful!”

Colonie Police Chief Mel Gibson said the incident is now under investigation.

“We’re looking into it,” said Gibson. “If this happened, it isn’t right. But, to be fair to the Shaker kids, who could blame them?”

Lickman said it’s unlikely the South Colonie defectors will be charged criminally.

“Essentially, they’ll be sent back to the shanty homes from which they came,” he said. “And, they’ll probably be ordered to shower — with soap, not just water.”


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