Capital Region's Top Jerks Weigh in on Gorilla Story

By Quack Davis

Published June 5th, 2016

ALBANY – A debate over a dead gorilla is drawing opinions from "horses asses" all over the Capital Region.

Sources tell The Albany Smudge that “some of the biggest jerks in the area” have taken to Facebook and Twitter to add their “completely uninformed” voices to the discussion about a mother whose 4-year-old son slipped into a gorilla cage at the Cincinnati Zoo.

“There appears to be an equal number of idiots on Facebook and Twitter who are either in support or opposition to the mom,” said Custer Rhubarb, a social media watcher in Troy. “What these horses asses have in common is that none of these people know anything about the incident or the people involved.”

Initially, critics piled on to castigate the mother of the 3-year-old boy who was grabbed by beloved gorilla Harambe. The mother took her eyes off the tot, who wound up inside the gorilla cage where he was nearly gobbled up for lunch by the starving gorilla. Acting quickly, thrilled zoo officials happily shot the adorable ape to death, using a bazooka.

Reaction was fierce.

“That ‘mom’ needs to be shot herself!” tweeted Mallory Keaton, 25, of Colonie, who believes the mother had a longstanding personal grudge against Harambe. 

“You rule, Mallory! Screw that mom,” added Connor Barth, 27, a Latham man who retweeted Keaton’s tweet. "Harambe was a hero!"

“That mom should be eaten by alligators. Why wasn’t she watching her freaking child?” Charlie Gadzooks, 57, of Halfmoon asked on Facebook. “Our zoo animals are our most precious commodity. They protect us from the sun.”

The tenor changed days later as herds of voices from the region’s more smug population jumped to the mom’s defense.

“No I didn’t see the incident and no, I don’t know what I’m talking about, but yes, I am a mom!" said Barbara Knowitall, 39, a mother from Bethlehem, in a Facebook post.  "How dare anybody question that mother’s intent? I’m a parent. I know.”

"What a bunch of crap. I never watch what my kids are doing,” said Dorothy Pumpkins, 36, of Ghent.

“This is a human life here. Shoot the fucking gorilla! Go Trump!” Mark MacGorp, 49, of Chatham, said on Facebook.

“We should shoot ALL gorillas!” tweeted Frickburn Sladely, 29, of Schenectady. “You better not question that mom’s choices on my watch!”

Rubarb, the social media expert, said that while IQ levels on Facebook dropped to an all-time low Thursday morning, they were expected to rise again Monday due to a “smart front” coming from the south.


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