Albany Sinkhole Gets the Munchies, Swallows 'Student Ghetto'

By Leslie Carp

Published June 5th, 2016

ALBANY — A Madison Avenue sinkhole that appeared late last week may have been a structural engineering failure. But thanks in part to the rush of bong water flowing beneath the ground in Albany’s student ghetto, the crater did not fail in gobbling up the entire Pine Hills neighborhood to satisfy what city officials are calling “a bad case of the munchies.”

The 20-foot sinkhole originated near the intersection of Madison and New Scotland avenues. To the horror of residents, it then appeared to move uptown, consuming entire city blocks full of General Tso’s chicken, late-night beef patty, and pizza slice places before returning to its original site to swallow up the newly reopened Ben & Jerry’s.

"I've seen a lot of sinkholes in my day, but never one that targets a whole neighborhood and businesses," said Hugh McCherry, chief engineer at the Albany Department of Public Works. "Going by the number of Chinese takeout and donut places we lost, it looks like this one got the munchies and went on a rampage.”

McCherry’s theory is not as far out as it sounds.

Albany has seen an increase in cannabis use following legalization in Colorado and Washington. “We’ve seen a lot of activity in Pine Hills — you know, the ‘student ghetto,’” said McCherry.

The recent availability of potent strains and extra special brownies smuggled from Denver has led to more frequent freakouts and 911 calls. Department of Public Works engineers believe that in their paranoid attempts to escape fictional DEA agents and phone calls from their moms, college kids have been ditching their buds, tinctures and edibles in toilet and shower drains, resulting in high THC levels in wastewater.

"Basically, we have bong water flowing under the streets," explained McCherry. "The sinkhole got high on pot and the logical next step was to go to town and devour everything.”

Meanwhile, it appears construction workers laboring below street level were also impacted.

"My guys working in the sinkhole all came back with red eyes and immediately ordered Papa John's," said Jim Carhart, a construction manager whose crew has been working on site for several days. "They usually like Pantera and stuff, but all of a sudden they really wanted to listen to Phish."


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