Police 'Keeping Eye' On Clifton Park Man Who Doesn't Golf

By Dodie Fingerton

Published June 6th, 2016

Photo by Lilrizz

CLIFTON PARK — A cloud of suspicion continues to hang over the head of an upper-middle class Caucasian man in Clifton Park after he confessed to police that he doesn't like to golf.

Authorities say Philip Shoehorn, 48, of Cherry Tree Lane admitted he doesn't “much care for the sport” and that he “can find plenty of other things to do” in his spare time.

“We're monitoring the situation closely,” said Saratoga County Sheriff Wilhelm Mott. “At this point, all we know is Mr. Shoehorn is white, he lives in a nice house off of Farm to Market Road and he's not the least bit interested in golf. That said, we don't believe he's a danger to himself or to anyone around him at this time.”

Mott went on to stress Shoehorn "isn't breaking any laws by not acting like every other white guy in his tax bracket," and that "people should exercise caution before labeling him a complete psychopath."

“Granted, it's strange, but what he's doing — or better yet, not doing — is not illegal,” said Mott. “But we're keeping an eye on him just the same.”

Neighbors grew suspicious of Shoehorn last summer after he declined his 37th consecutive invite to “hit the links.”

“He kept telling me he's not a golfer, and I was like, 'yeah right,'” said Shoehorn's next-door neighbor Dr. Thomas Thumbs. “So I kept asking him anyway, thinking he was just pulling my leg. Turns out I was wrong. He really doesn't golf. Weird, huh?”

Shoehorn — a pharmaceutical sales rep who has lived in the southern Saratoga County suburb with his wife Margret and their three teenage children for over four years — disagrees.

“I'm not trying to upset anyone by not golfing,” said Shoehorn. “I just don't like it. It's a silly sport.”

Referring to the throngs of pasty white, beer-bellied 50-somethings who spend hours chasing their little white balls around the town's numerous courses each weekend, Thumbs' actually agreed with Shoehorn.

“Listen, no one really likes to play golf,” the proctologist conceded. “It's just an excuse we use to get the hell away from our wives for a few hours.”

“I take offense to that,” countered Shoehorn. “I love my wife, and I must say that I truly relish the time I get to spend with her on weekends.”

When told this, Sgt. Mott rolled his eyes.

“Wow, ” he said. “Maybe he really is a psychopath.”


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