Retiring to Nisky A Move That’s Right on the ‘Money,’ Mag Says

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published June 12th, 2016

Niskayuna's perfectly symmetrical Town Hall is considered the most boring building in America.
(Photo illegally swiped from some guy posing as Matt Wade)

NISKAYUNA — Niskayuna has cracked Money magazine’s latest Top 10 list, named as one of the best places in the nation in which to retire.

“Niskayuna is so boring that time actually stands still, and that’s a good thing for people who don’t have much longer to live,” the magazine said in its forthcoming June issue.

Supervisor Kip Hubbard said town leaders are well aware of the community’s reputation as a “dull enclave for upper-middle class white people.” And, in an effort to reverse that notion, Niskayuna earlier this year hired a private investigator to find the town an identity.

“As you can see, we are trying to combat that perception,” Hubbard said. “But the one problem we’re having is the accusation is completely accurate. The fact is: we are that lame community down the road from Hot Harry’s Burritos on Upper Union Street in Schenectady.”

That doesn’t bother 86-year-old Bucket Johnson.

“Every minute in Niskayuna feels like an hour, every hour feels like a day and every day feels like a year,” Johnson said. “So, if I stay alive for two more weeks, I’ll live to be a 100.”

The magazine also said another factor in naming Niskayuna to the list was the town’s ridiculously high taxes.

“When I retired from General Electric, I left the company with a pretty sizeable nest egg,” said 81-year-old Fondu Crapper. “If I lived anywhere else, I’d never be able to spend it. But thanks to my annual tax bill, I barely have anything left. That tells me all my financial planning paid off.”

Still, not everyone is thrilled about spending their twilight years in this whitebread town bordering Latham.

“I had planned to spend my retirement traveling,” said 70-year-old Lemmy Kilmister. “But since there’s no easy access in this goddamn town to either I-90 or I-87, I haven’t fucking gone anywhere.”


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