Plant Polluter Takes Ceremonial Poop in Grafton Lakes

By Quack Davis

Published June 19th, 2016

CROPSEYVILLE —A team of operatives from Saint-Kurt-Cobain Under-Performing Plastics on Thursday took the honorary “first dump” of summer in Grafton Lake, officials said.

“We just thought it was a natural fit to invite these fine folks out,” said Jessie Palmer, deputy director of Urination and Solid Waste at the park. “The company has been shitting all over the water in eastern Rensselaer County for some time now. So, we saw this as a logical next step.”

Saint-Kurt-Cobain, operator of an area manufacturing plant near underground wells, became the focus of a state and federal investigation into water pollution because of the presence of perfluorooctanoic acid — also known as PFOA, a carcinogen that no one in Rensselaer County has been able to pronounce.

Additional water contamination was found in the towns of Hoosick and Petersburgh.

“Yes, the waters around here may be a Superfund site but, as for today, well, it was a super fun time!” said Saint-Kurt-Cobain spokesperson Courtney Luv.

George Gorge, a lifelong resident of Grafton, said Thursday’s ceremonial poop was merely an extension of an ongoing, albeit unofficial, summer tradition.

“People from all over have been shitting in this lake for years and years,” said Gorge. “I reckon another day, another dump ain’t gonna make any difference.”


RELATED ARTICLES

• City Man Cited for Cleaning Dirty Water
• Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Emerge From Troy Sinkhole
• Lansingburg OTB Voted Most Flatulent Place in North America
• Group Demands Pollution Be Dumped Back in the Hudson
• Stench Drives Albany Man To Abandon Health Kick