Area Hospitals Prepare for Deluge of Drunk Injured Rednecks

By Fred Furnace

Published July 3rd, 2016

ALBANY – The Fourth of July weekend is well-known throughout the Capital Region for its hot weather, family barbecues, red-white-and-blue baby clothing, and Price Chopper’s fireworks spectacular.

But for area hospitals, it’s well known for another reason: lots of drunken rednecks with firework-related injuries.

“There’s something about the Fourth of July, it brings out the moron in people,” said long-time Albany Med nurse, Alice Hooker. “We see a huge number of bizarre injuries that weekend. It never fails.”

Hospital administrators blame the annual spike in admissions on the lethal combination of “alcohol, fireworks, and astonishingly stupid people who live throughout our area.”

“Fourth of July should be a time for fun, but instead it has turned into a serious public health crisis,” says Seymour Goldman, chair of Albany Med’s Firework Trauma Unit. “A long weekend filled with beer and exploding projectiles is just begging for trouble, and that’s exactly what we get.”

Goldman said the majority of injuries are caused by “drunken rednecks trying to impress their kids by intentionally mishandling dangerous fireworks.”

“Holding roman candles in their hands, sticking bottle rockets down their pants, playing ‘catch’ with M-80s — the list goes on and on,” he said. “The level of stupidity around here is really quite astounding.”

Richard Lewis, a veteran ER doctor at Samaritan Hospital in Troy, agreed.

Lewis said his hospital gets hit with “a virtual tsunami of drunken rednecks” each year at this time, with injuries ranging from burns and abrasions, to missing digits and penises.

Some doctors, including Lewis, believe the holiday should just be outlawed in the name of redneck safety.

“Yes, it’s a dramatic step,” he said. “But it seems to be the only way to protect these morons from themselves.”


RELATED ARTICLES

• Capital Region Uncles Call For Ban On Hoverboards
• Ravena Family Proudly Displays Fisher Price Toy Collection In Yard
• Trump Rally Results In Walmart Closures, Drop in Drunk-Disturbance Crimes
• Glenville running thin on ‘Sons of Anarchy’ T-shirts
• ‘Dutch Oven' Incident Highlights Schoharie's Urban Dictionary-inspired Crime Wave