Former Fat Guy Now Insufferable Know-It-All Who Never Has A Cheat Day
By Leslie Carp
Published July 10th, 2016
Recently fit, 48-year old Morris Ploudly, measuring his waste
LATHAM – A Latham man’s decision to divorce his wife over a cupcake is “just the icing on the cake” in his gradual transformation from gentle giant to sanctimonious asshole with visible abs.
He has since lost nearly 150 pounds through a combination of "clean eating," Crossfit, and five hours of daily high intensity interval training – and he never, ever shuts up about it.
Acquaintances have described Mr. Ploudly’s enthusiasm about diet and exercise as “like a Bernie Sanders fanboy on steroids,” or getting “a bad case of poison ivy on one’s genitals.”
Mr. Ploudly is very vocally proud he has not eaten a chicken wing, pizza slice or dessert in 339 days, and believes that even considering a cheat day is indicative of a weak constitution.
Mary Ploudly, 45, has been supporting her husband financially since he was fired from the Geek Squad. He was terminated after being caught on surveillance camera in November throwing away his coworkers’ “unhealthy” lunches of Thanksgiving leftovers and turkey sandwiches and replacing them with copies of the best-selling diet book, You Should Hate Yourself If You Eat Carbohydrates.
Her husband surprised her with divorce papers on Independence Day after she helped herself to a chocolate cupcake at a family barbecue.
"He slapped the cupcake out of my hand, called me a pig, and asked me how I can live with myself eating crap," she recalled. “It was embarrassing, but I saw it coming. He’s been threatening divorce and talking about how I’m going to develop Type 2 diabetes because he caught me having sugar in my coffee.”
Mrs. Ploudly is a size-2 triathlete who eats five servings of vegetables a day, but her soon to be ex-husband won't budge.
“Absolutely not. I refuse to settle for a spouse who doesn’t care about her health,” said Mr. Ploudly. “Would you tell someone to stay with an addict while they were using? My wife disrespected me when she chose to poison herself with sugar. At least crack and heroin don’t make you fat.”