Great Escape to Become ‘Cul-de-Sac Kingdom’
By Fred Furnace
Published July 10th, 2016
Facebook Flume at Cul-de-Sac Kingdom (Photo by Sébastien Champoux)
LAKE GEORGE – The Great Escape amusement park will be getting a new name – and a suburban makeover – in an effort to make the park more relevant to the area’s booming upper-middle-class population.
Six Flags, which owns and operates the park, announced the plans Friday. Company officials said the park would be called Cul-de-Sac Kingdom, focusing on “the magical world of Upstate New York suburbs.”
Park officials said the Great Escape has been “struggling to make it” as a traditional amusement park and has thus decided to abandon the idea of thrill rides and kiddie attractions. They hope, instead, the new suburban theme will attract the region’s glut of wealthy forty and fifty year-old suburbanites — a demographic that currently spends its free time shopping on Amazon Prime and “liking” shit on Facebook.
As part of the transition, rides will be phased-out and replaced with attractions more in tune with the interests of stay-at-home moms in their mid-to-late forties, including: Gluten Free Fall, Facebook Flume, Lawnscaping Lagoon, Wild Wild Wine Sipping and Picture Painting Extravaganza, Yoga-Toga Raceway, Spin Class Caboose, and Helicopter Moms.
The bumper cars will stay, but will now feature only Honda Odysseys and Pilots, and Toyota Siennas and Highlanders.
Dad Bod Land will be added next year, which the company touts as “a magical land where everything is a little fatter, a little slower, and a little balder than it used to be.”
Divorce Course will be added in 2018 and will cater to suburban divorcees with attractions such as the Desperation Plunge, the Match.com Mystery Tour, the in-Tinderator, and the My Ex-Husband’s Assistant is a Whore gift shop and ice cream parlor.
Visitors can still enjoy the old Great Escape until July 31. The park will then re-open Aug. 1 as Cul-de-Sac Kingdom.