Hoosick Abuzz With Rumor It’s Home to Former Famous Kid Star

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published July 10th, 2016

HOOSICK —Authorities are investigating reports that former child star Emannuel Lewis is living under an assumed name in the Town of Hoosick, where he is said to lead a quiet life hunting squirrels and living off the earnings from his hit 1980’s television show Webster.

Speaking to The Albany Smudge on the condition of anonymity, Hoosick Town Councilman Pancake Wallace said the probe is an unexpected offshoot of the ongoing water contamination investigation linked to the nearby Saint Kurt Cobain Underperforming Plastics plant.

“When state environmental officials were in town a few weeks back talking to folks about the PFOA in their water, one of them noticed a man who apparently resembled the celebrity Emmanuel Lewis,” said Wallace. “Well, since then, all hell’s broken loose, with not only federal Missing Persons investigators, but creeps from TMZ, the National Inquirer, the E! channel and even Tiger Beat, all descending upon our town.”

Acting on a tip, the Smudge found the suspected pint-sized actor living in a secluded trailer off Pine Valley Road. But when approached by the fake newspaper, the man believed to be the former childhood thespian angrily shooed the Smudge away, demanding to be left alone.

“My goddamn name is Moose Callahan!” he screamed. “I don’t know any motherfucking Emmanuel Lewis, I ain’t ever heard of no fucking Webster and I sure as shit don’t know any George Papadopoulos. Now get the fuck off my property and leave a brother be!”

Wallace, pointing to the fact the Town of Hoosick has yet to receive neither cable television nor Internet access, acknowledged he is unfamiliar with “the Webster show.”

But Scott Baio, who moved to Hoosick from Los Angeles in 2007, said he’s “absolutely convinced” Moose Callahan is the former child star.

“He moved here in the fall of 2009, right after Michael Jackson died,” said Baio. “I have no doubt he’s Webster. I even heard his famous chipmunk laugh.”


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