SUNY to Gov. Cuomo: Cancel Our Games in New Jersey, Too

By Fred Furnace

Published July 17th, 2016

Photo by Pat Arnow

ALBANY — State University of New York officials are lobbying Gov. Andrew Cuomo to expand his ban on state-funded travel to cover New Jersey as well.

The request comes after last week’s announcement that the University at Albany men’s basketball team will not be eligible to play at Duke University next season due to the governor’s executive order banning publicly funded, non-essential travel to the state of North Carolina.

Cuomo’s order is in response to a North Carolina law — known as House Bill 2 — that opponents say allows discrimination against transgendered individuals.

“We support the governor’s hard stance on the bathroom policy of a state five-states away,” said a SUNY spokesperson in a statement. “Now, we ask him to do the right thing when it comes to boycotting the state immediately to our south. We need to take a stand against New Jersey, and we need to do it now.”

The issue, according to officials, has nothing to do with discrimination based on gender identity, but is simply a matter of “New Jersey’s overall grossness.”

“Have you ever been to New Jersey,” asked a disgusted Will Brown, head coach of the Albany men's basketball team. “It’s like one giant Troy. Oh, it’s just a god-awful place.”

“Look, I have no idea which bathroom our kids can or can’t use in New Jersey,” said another SUNY official. “But it doesn’t matter, because both the men’s room and the women’s room are sure to be totally gross and reek to high heaven. New Jersey is just disgusting, and we need to stop sending our kids there, pronto.”

Even Newark native and University at Albany junior, Madeleine Ulcer, agrees.

“Yeah, New Jersey is a total shit hole,” she said. “Why do you think so many of us are willing to pay out-of-state tuition just to attend a mediocre SUNY school? We’re all just desperate to get the hell out of Jersey.”

Sources close to the governor say he is considering the request, but is unlikely to acquiesce.

“New Jersey stands up for the bathroom rights of its citizens, allowing everyone to pee in the bathroom that makes them most comfortable regardless of whether they were born male, female, circus clown, Oompa Loompa, or robot,” the source said. “On that basis, the governor sees no principled reason to extend the travel ban.

"Plus, the governor owes money to a few guys in New Jersey," the source added. "And these are some pretty bad dudes; not the kind of guys you want to piss off by instituting a boycott, if you know what I mean.”


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