Albany Unveils Plans for Inaugural Fun Run for White Yuppies
By Cecily Bapp
Published July 17th, 2016
ALBANY — Albany officials have announced plans for the first-ever race for white yuppies, part of an effort to build off the already wildly successful “Freihofer’s Run for Women.”
Inspired by Freihofer’s doughy white bread products, the new event is being dubbed the ‘Run for the White Race’ and will be held July 23 to coincide with National Vanilla Ice Cream Day.
“Frankly we don’t care if they run, walk or crawl, as long as they participate,” said Brad Hossenfeffer, spokesman for Albany’s Department of Parks and Recreation. “And yes, maybe we’re politically incorrect, but who better to represent white bread than white men?”
Freihofer’s — the Capital District’s baking dynasty of mediocre cookies and breads —has long been a snacking staple of the Capital Region’s professional Caucasian community.
“Yuppies like me fell in love with Freihofer’s back in college, in dorms across the Capital District,” said Richard ‘Richy’ Moody, a local running enthusiast, who said he’s looking forward to the whites-only race. “You know, cheap cookies that taste like Grandma used to make if Grandma was Wal-Mart? That’s the stuff memories are made of.
“Listen, we know we’re not athletes,” Moody added. “But we do possess athletic wear and an American Express card. So, we are qualified. Bring it!”
Race promoters are spreading word of the event through the Capital Region’s alcohol vendors, with signs and leaflets reading: “Bring us your slow, your hung-over, your overpaid, and most especially your white young professionals.”
“This is a wonderful opportunity to raise awareness and to mix and mingle,” Emmy Blaisedale, a childless middle management ‘professional,’ said from her workplace desk. “I’m getting my nails done for it. And I’m losing 10 pounds before the race, I swear. Those running pants are tight.”