Albany Adult-Baby Community Adopts ‘Teddy Boo-Boo’ Cruz as Mascot
By Leslie Carp
Published July 24th, 2016
Former presidential hopeful Ted "Teddy Boo-Boo" Cruz dressed as an Adult Baby.
ALBANY — The Lark Street Adult Baby Club — also known as ‘ABC’ — happily announced Thursday it will adopt Ted Cruz as its mascot, and will rename the former GOP presidential candidate “Teddy Boo-boo,” a play on words referencing the RNC crowd’s reaction to Cruz’s refusal to endorse ‘He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.’
Cruz’s adoption marks the end of what’s been a long and tiresome search for the perfect chubby face and soft belly rolls to serve as mascot for the Lark Street ABC — a group of approximately three dozen consenting adults who share a love of what the DSM-IV refers to as “paraphilic infantilism,” or sexual role-play involving soiled diapers and books that squeak.
“We’ve known for years that Ted Cruz has some Adult Baby tendencies,” said Sheila “She-Wee” French, founder of the Lark Street ABC. “It’s too perfect to be a coincidence. His dimples, round face and his baby-like fat-to-muscle composition give it away.”
Two other Republican presidential candidates, Chris Christie and Marco Rubio, were among the runners-up for the Lark Street ABC’s mascot — a long list including celebrities such as Seth McFarlane, Amy Schumer and Israel Kamakawiwoʻole.
Cruz has been famously vocal against dildos, masturbation, and the LGBT community’s “jihad” against heterosexual sex strictly for the purposes of procreation, but Lark Street ABC members were willing to look past those shortcomings.
“I’m gay and I obviously enjoy indulging weird fetishes, but Teddy Boo-boo is so cuddly,” gushed Lark Street ABC member Paul “Poo-Poo” Platter, who typically role-plays a babysitter, clergyman or mommy. “It just makes him even sexier knowing he hates my kind and wants to make my lifestyle a crime.”
A fundraising initiative is already underway to bring the real Ted Cruz back to the Capital Region for a meet-and-greet with the Lark Street ABC. The Texas senator has not been in the area since April, when he made a campaign stop in Scotia.
In addition to a GoFundMe page, a Pokémon Go Pokéstop and a cold-calling campaign, the Lark Street ABC has partnered with the Warren County Dog Lovers’ Association for a Photoshop contest featuring Ted Cruz’s face superimposed on images of dogs dressed in baby clothes. Winning submissions will appear on the Lark Street ABC’s 2017 calendar.