Albany to Offer ‘Arctic Express’ for Celebs Seeking to Leave Country

By Cecily Bapp

Published July 24th, 2016

Photo illegally swiped from some guy posing as Matt Wade

ALBANY — Seeking to cash in on the impassioned vows of celebrities pledging to ‘leave this damn country’ if Donald Trump is elected president, the Capital District will offer one-way express service to Montreal via high-speed train starting Election Night.

In a joint venture between Amtrak and the Albany County Convention & Visitors Bureau, the first rocket train will launch north from the Albany-Rensselaer station as soon as reliable election reports are posted, city officials announced Sunday.

The newly dubbed ‘Arctic Express’ will be a stompin’ and a snortin’ like a racehorse in the chute, ready to dazzle and delight passengers before depositing them in a quaint, frozen Canadian city that loathes Americans.

“Listen, if they’re hell bent on getting out of Dodge, this is one of the fastest routes. We proved that during the Vietnam War,” said Shaun Lemmerman, operations manager for Amtrak’s Northeast Corridor, who called the service a “win-win for Albany and the nation.”

“Board in Albany, two quick stops in Saratoga and Plattsburgh, and then — boom — you’re in the Promised Land,” Lemmerman said.

Whoopi Goldberg’s presence alone on the Express is anticipated to draw dozens of Capital Region residents wanting to wish the comedian a fond adieu. Goldberg’s expected to be joined aboard the train by a bevy of other stars who’ve vowed to leave the United States should Trump be elected, including: Miley Cyrus, Tavis Smiley, Samuel L. Jackson, Jesse Jackson, Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, Randy and Janet Jackson, Rosie O’Donnell, Jon Stewart, Kristin Stewart, Stewart Copeland, George Lopez, Los Lobos, George Clooney, Al Sharpton, Cher, Hillary Clinton, Spike Lee, Lena Dunham, Alec Baldwin, Neve Campbell and scores of others.

The deluxe one-way service, officials said, will include a stop for a quick pop in Saratoga, a gently used North Face soft-shell jacket, a traditional ‘toque’ and a variety pack of Hothands.

Mertz Grippo, an Amtrak baggage handler and Albany native, waxed philosophic Sunday as he haphazardly pitched suitcases onto a train bound for the Great North.

“I figure we’re performing a service — a service for folks to jump ship when things don’t go their way,” Grippo said. “And, we’ll be here when they want to come back. We just may not be able to find their luggage.”


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