'Cougar-Cade' Kicks Off Post-Track Party Season in Saratoga

By Scott Salad

Published July 24th, 2016

(Left) Starting line of Cougar-Cade 2016 (Photo by Matt Wade)/
(Right) Winslow Homer's depiction of the first ever Cougar-Cade in 2007.

SARATOGA SPRINGS— Hundreds of horned-up older women staggered from the Saratoga Race Track to Siro's Restaurant Friday evening, heralding the official start of the Spa City's 10th annual Cougar-Cade.

“It's a great event,” said parade organizer Mack Schembeckler. “Most people say it's the track, but I say it's the bevy of desperate, older broads out on the prowl that really makes Saratoga the August place to be.”

Pancaked in makeup and squeezed into low-cut skirts designed for women a quarter their age, the throng of tipsy 50-to-60 somethings who teetered toward the post-track nightspot all had one thing on their minds.

“I'm a classy, beautiful, mature woman and I'd like to meet a younger man,” admitted 62-year-old Gertrude Paddington of Latham. “I think I deserve that.”

Others were more candid.

“I have an itch that needs scratching,” purred Maude Herringbone, 59, of Averill Park. “One that my bald, beer-gutted dolt of an ex-husband could never reach.”

Whether it's the drink specials, the influx of wealthy, fit young men to the area or the short walk to Siro's that most participants agree is relatively good on the knees, the five-week parade has grown in popularity and is now considered the Capital Region cougars’ go-to summer event.

“You're an inquisitive young lad. I like that. You wanna buy me a martini?” asked Mildred Dolly of Clifton Park.

With propositions like that, it’s no wonder Cougarfinder — the popular dating app for young men interested in banging older women — lists Cougar-Cade as their top August destination.

“This is definitely a great place to find all kinds of horny old ladies,” said Ted Naked, a 28-year-old personal trainer from Tampa, Fla. “From top of the line MILFs and GILFs to the bloated, rode hard and put-away-wet types, these ladies are peaking sexually and guys like me are reaping all the bennies. I love these goddamn cougars. Every last one of them.”

Butch Mortenson, 28, of Malta agreed.

“I heard it's because they don't have hormones anymore. Is that true?”

Cougar-Cade continues each night the track is in session and as is expected to hit peak attendance Travers weekend when Hollywood starlet and confirmed cougar, Demi Moore, is expected to make the walk.

“Demi can't wait for Cougar-Cade,” said her publicist. “She's been kegeling every day for the past six months!”


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