RPI Professor Completes Experiment with Homosexuality

By Curtis Riboflavin

Published July 24th, 2016

Portrait of R.P.I. Professor Dabbler McMurtry painted in 2015.

TROY — A stodgy science professor at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute embarked on a one-year experiment with homosexuality — and he’s calling the venture a booming success.

Dabbler McMurtry, 64, an Oxford-educated Englishman known for his salt-and-pepper locks, irascible demeanor and impeccable wardrobe, told colleagues his 12-month pilot program into the world of gay sex will inspire "my most brilliant thesis to date."

"I don't know why he waited so long to experiment with homosexuality. He's having a fucking blast," whispered Oscar Catglass, a fellow RPI professor, speaking on the condition of anonymity. 

McMurtry, an avid bird watcher, begged the school for two more years on the homosexuality study. But Lonnie Darling, a school finance administrator, said there’s no money left in the RPI budget to continue McMurty’s work and accused the professor of having a “secret agenda.”

McMurtry scoffed at the idea. He maintained his experiment is designed to stimulate nothing more than his research results; and he also vehemently denied a report in the school newsletter that he told a colleague: "I'm in this for the dick."

A Madonna fan whose research took him to Provincetown, Mass., Montreal and the Florida Keys, McMurty said:

"I can assure you my work has been thorough. I have encountered sailors and doctors and wrestlers, policemen, bagel men and many other fellows whose company I have enjoyed fantastically. This is, indeed, a voyage that must, and will, continue — and that's not something I say lightly. "This is no pleasure cruise," McMurty added with a scowl. "This is science."


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