Bethlehem to Battle ‘Average Kid’ Crisis By Limiting Births

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published July 31st, 2016

DELMAR — The Town Council Thursday — in an effort to combat Bethlehem’s growing “average child” crisis — passed a controversial local law limiting families to no more than two children.

“The longer we wait to act the more likelihood another ‘average’ child will be born, and that is simply a risk we cannot take,” said Bethlehem Supervisor Avery Cotton. “While children of average intellect and average ability may be OK for a place like South Colonie, the fact is, we expect more from the vaginas of the blonde trophy wives married to doctors and lawyers throughout our town.”

Last year, in an explosive expose that rocked nearly one quarter of the southern portion of Albany County, the Smudge reported that school assessments conducted in late 2014 found at least four ‘average’ children living within the Bethlehem district. The news left parents throughout the upscale suburb reeling.

“Bethlehem is named after the birthplace of Jesus Christ,” Denise Papsmear — whose naturally gifted son, Jackson, was accepted into Julliard at age 12 — said at the time. “This is no place for any child who wants to be a fireman when he grows up.”

According to a bill memo, couples with two or more children now living in Bethlehem will undergo mandatory sterilization. Meanwhile, couples with one or no children will be sterilized immediately upon the birth of their second kid. 

Dr. Colliard Mucinex, a professor of mathematics at UAlbany who helped Bethlehem develop the new law, said by limiting families to only two children, the probability of a couple giving birth to an ‘average’ child decreases compared to a couple that has four, five or six children.

“Like, duh,” said the professor.

But not everyone in town approves of the legislation.

“This smacks of Red China,” said Sunshine Meadows, a Bethlehem resident and Montessori schoolteacher. “What next: will we start sacrificing virgins?”

Cotton, however, said such criticism is “exactly the kind of liberal, namby-pamby ideology that has weakened America and made it no longer great.”

“As everyone is well aware, Bethlehem has always been the Mecca for naturally gifted children who go on to attend Ivy League colleges and intern in the state Senate,” the supervisor said. “I’ll be damned if that changes under my leadership. If you have a kid who wants to go into the trades or work in hospitality, pack your bags and head north about nine miles. I’m sure South Colonie would love to have ya.”


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