'Functional' Family Spotted in Delmar
By Quack Davis
Published July 31st, 2016
Skip, Dawn, Chet and Pumpkin Mackleberry (from right)
BETHLEHEM — Social workers are marveling at the discovery of a fully functional family in Delmar — the first in the Town of Bethlehem since 1978.
Chet and Dawn Mackleberry, along with their son, Skip, daughter, Pumpkin, and dog, Spot, live on a tree-lined lined street with ample opportunity for classic suburban dysfunction.
But the family members "all love each other," said Marvin Clay, a social worker and expert on dysfunctional families in the Capital Region.
"It's really sick," Clay said. "There is nothing less interesting for a therapist such as myself than a fucking non-dysfunctional family. What am I going to do, bring the Mackleberrys in for family counseling and ask them about how great everything is in their lives?"
Clay said despite his initial suspicions that the Mackleberrys were a dysfunctional family simply experiencing an off day, tests confirmed the functionality of the happy clan.
"These people are actually normal," said Dr. Sven Cobb, a dysfunctional-family authority and author of the 2013 bestseller titled The Really Fucked Up Families of Delmar.
"I think it's very exciting," Cobb told The Albany Smudge. "Where there is one functional family there might be another and another and another and another. Before you know it, Delmar is almost normal."
The last confirmed functional family in Bethlehem was the Andersons of Slingerlands in 1978, led by Philip and Amanda Anderson. They have since relocated to Florida.
The latest functional-family discovery, meanwhile, has prompted Bethlehem Town Board member Gary Indiana to invite the Mackleberry family to Town Hall to be awarded the ‘Key To The Town.’ Their street also will be temporarily renamed "Function Junction."
Unfortunately, the Mackleberrys are spending the week together on a vacation for family bonding, Chet Mackleberry said, and will be unable to attend the board meeting.
"We're confused, really," Mackleberry told the Smudge. "What kind of town is this? Who the hell are we living around?"