Troy’s Frear Park to Host Controversial ‘PMS Golf Dick’ Tourney
By Leslie Carp
Published August 7th, 2016
PMS Golf Dick Tournament participants gathered at the first hole at Frear Park.
TROY — Rensselaer County’s Police Malevolent Society — a fraternal organization comprised of law enforcement officers who delight in systemic racial prejudice and discharging firearms in the presence of children while serving warrants — will hold its annual "PMS Golf Dick Tournament" Sunday at Frear Park.
The event — PMS’s yearly day-drinking and team-building outing — is carefully curated to reflect classic and cutting-edge trends in golfer behavior. This year’s program includes such practical real-life simulations as hair gelling for the middle-aged, finding the right tactical sunglasses for your face shape, and, new in 2016: zoosadism.
Just last week, Frear Park was the site of a grisly incident between two golf dicks and a woodchuck that occurred during the Police Benevolent Association’s golf tournament. The incident resulted in the pursuit death of the animal and minimal departmental charges against the officers. The perpetrators were later discovered to be spies from the PMS, not PBA.
Not surprisingly, Trojans have a lot to say on the park’s decision to host the PMS Golf Dick Tournament so soon after the woodchuck slaying.
“I’d rather have a NAMBLA conference or the Yulin Dog Meat Festival here than these fucking pigs!” snarled Woody Peck, 27, a Hillary Clinton fan who lives in one of Troy's new high-rise luxury apartments.
“I stand with PMS and defy anyone who disagrees to come challenge my Second Amendment rights!” declared John Thomas, 51, a Donald Trump supporter from the tony town of Pleasantdale.
“One might say that this is… par for the course,” said Callie Corndawg, 29, who lives around the corner from the park. “Frear Park is like Mecca for golf dicks year round. But letting PMS here is a new low for Troy. Go back to Rentler, or wherever.”
Corndawg and her boyfriend, Hans Super, 32, admit they are excited to listen to the action on the “Bacon 5-0” police scanner app, which provides the unmarried, childless couple endless weeknight entertainment.
On-duty police presence is expected to be high during the Golf Dick Tournament, and at least one major protest is expected — held by a new animal welfare group called, “Whistlepigs Against Pigs.”
The PBA, meanwhile, has issued a warning to its members to avoid social media during the Golf Dick Tournament, citing concern for the safety and welfare of officers who may be mistaken for PMS members and slandered online by pitchfork-toting Facebook commenters.