Missing Waterford Man Found in Albany Sinkhole

By Pug Ransom

Published August 12th, 2016

ALBANY — A Waterford man who went missing two weeks ago after telling friends he was “digging a hole to China” has been found at the bottom of a massive sinkhole in Albany, which earlier this month swallowed a sports utility vehicle on South Lake Avenue and forced the evacuation of more than 100 area residents.

Herm Crumpett, 38, was discovered Friday some 25 feet beneath the pavement by a city Department of Public Works crew, naked and straddling a failed transmission main that released what engineers described as a “pressurized tsunami” that led to the massive crater. Crumpett was immediately taken to Albany Medical Center, where he was listed in fair condition, said hospital spokeswoman Sheila E.

“He is expected to make a full recovery, at least physically,” said E. “There is nothing doctors can do to fix his IQ. He will still be stupid.”

Gert Crumpett, Herm’s ex-wife, told the Smudge her ex-husband always had a fascination with China, but never had the money to travel there.

“He actually thought if he dug a hole, he could get there — just like that old saying goes,” Gert said. “What a dumbass. I remember when I first brought Herm home to meet my folks. After he left, my father said, ‘Gert, that boy is fucking stupid.’ I was young and didn’t want to listen. But my father was right. Herm is an idiot.”

George Takei, professor of Asian Studies at the University at Albany, told the Smudge “the only way to get to China from the United States is by plane or boat.”

“A shovel won’t work,” said Takei. “They proved it on MythBusters on the Discovery Channel. If you dug a hole from Waterford, or anywhere else in America for that matter, you’d end up in the Indian Ocean. In order to get to China, you have to start digging from Argentina.”

Albany Police Chief Casper Nubbins said Crumpett told authorities that while digging, he mistakenly changed directions and started to shovel westward rather than continue straight down.

“Apparently, Mr. Crumpett actually thought he was getting close to China because, and I’m quoting him here, he could ‘smell it,’” said Nubbins. “Turns out, what Mr. Crumpett actually smelled was the Number 7 combination platter from the Amazing Wok on Lark Street.”


RELATED ARTICLES

• Albany Sinkhole Gets the Munchies, Swallows 'Student Ghetto'
• Expert: Albany Not ‘Dope’ Enough for Parking Problems
• Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Emerge From Troy Sinkhole
• Missing Kardashian Found Living in Capital Region
• Jimmy Hoffa Found in Watervliet