Amusement Park Accident has a ‘Happy Ending’ in Lake George
By Fred Furnace
Published August 21st, 2016
LAKE GEORGE — A major malfunction on the ‘Blizzard’ scrambler ride at the Great Escape amusement park injured no one Saturday, but caused numerous adults – including several dozen wrinkled old people – to experience spontaneous orgasms.
And the incident is being heralded as welcomed good news for the beleaguered amusement park industry.
Unlike the many other high-profile amusement park accidents across the country that have plagued the industry this summer — several resulting in serious injuries, including death — this one had a happy ending, both literally and figuratively.
"We experienced technical issues with our scrambler ride, causing the passenger compartments to vibrate uncontrollably," said Six Flags spokesperson Hilda Cupp. “It was as if they were sitting on giant, vibrating dildos. Thankfully no one was injured, but most adults impacted by the malfunction experienced involuntary orgasms.”
Those impacted by the malfunction took it in stride, with several of the older passengers noting they weren’t even sure whether “those body parts” still worked.
“I came four times,” said 73-year-old Gladys Fillmore of Delmar, who was accompanying her 9-year-old granddaughter, Chloe, on the ride when the malfunction occurred. "I had no idea I could still feel that good down there. I closed my eyes, pretended it was George Clooney, and just rolled with it.”
“Of course, I think it scared the bejesus out of poor little Chloe, with all my screaming and moaning,” she said. “But what a terrific ride!”
Wilbur Burns, an 82-year-old retired serviceman from Plattsburgh, also orgasmed — despite the fact that he hasn’t been able to achieve an erection in two decades.
"Best amusement park ride ever," said the former Air Force captain. "I think it cured me. But now I really just need a nap."
The ride was closed for the remainder of the day, as engineers worked to correct the issues. Crews were also dispatched to disinfect and squeegee the passenger compartments.