Year’s First Pumpkin Spice Causes Parking Lot Panic at Trader Joe’s
By Leslie Carp
Published August 28th, 2016
COLONIE — A feeding frenzy over the season’s first wave of pumpkin spice-flavored food products led to a larger-than-usual pileup Saturday in the Wolf Road parking lot of Trader Joe’s.
Nearly four dozen vehicles sustained damage as suburbanites stampeded the store hoping for a first whiff of fall.
“There was so much shrieking. It was like a Beatles concert in the ‘60s,” said Trader Joe cashier Stroker Ace, referring to the rabid popularity of pumpkin spice products among young women with high vocal registers. “Our parking lot is godawful on a good day, but this weekend was totally nuts.”
Richard Smoker, manager of the nearby Honey Baked Ham, delighted in the carnage.
"I hope they all die," he cackled. "But if they don't, they might come in and purchase a ham sandwich while they wait for the tow truck to come."
Overeager shoppers lined up outside Trader Joe’s for hours before it opened Saturday morning.
Monique Thefreak, a proud “basic bitch” early childhood education major at the College of Saint Rose, went so far as to wear a diaper to avoid losing her place in line.
Thefreak’s parents’ Jetta was sandwiched between a Honda Pilot and a Subaru Forester like a roasted marshmallow, but she still managed to score $180 worth of pumpkin spice goods.
“You know, it’s not so bad. I’m sure my parents have insurance. And I have my pumpkin spice chai tea crumpets, so I’m happy,” she said.
Pumpkin spice lovers who were fortunate enough to get inside the store left with bags full of reasonably priced novelty items such as pumpkin spice Icelandic skimmed yoghurt, pumpkin pie spice rubbed pork tenderloin, frozen pumpkin spice chicken tikka masala, and pumpkin spice flavored dry cat and dog food.
While no injuries or deaths were reported, numerous skirmishes and tug-o-wars broke out.
Arrests made included two Phish fans trying to sell nitrous balloons, a local news anchor who resembles Barbie, and a Whole Foods employee who was caught trying to steal trade secrets.