Colin Kaepernick Takes 'Anti-American' Stance to Albany
Published September 11th, 2016
Photo by Mike Morbeck.
ALBANY — Fresh off his refusal to stand for the national anthem, San Francisco 49ers backup quarterback Colin Kaepernick paid a surprise visit to the Capital District Tuesday to defecate upon the “Albany: An All American City” sign that welcomes Thruway drivers to the region.
"Take this you racist NYPD cocksuckers!" an animated Kaepernick exclaimed while squeezing out a gargantuan bowel movement.
Kaepernick — wrongly under the false impression that Albany and the Thruway are patrolled by the New York City police department — titled his defecation event, "Colinoscopy: An Evening With the Smartest Back-Up Quarterback in the World." according to one of the 173 tattoos on his arms.
As Kaepernick relieved himself, a Seahawk swooped in and intercepted his fecal matter, shocked witnesses told the Smudge.
"This asshole — and I use the term literally — cannot even poop accurately," said Sheep Callahan, 64, a veteran from Ravena. "He is a goddamn traitor. It really bothers me too because 'Colin' is such a lovely name."
Other local veterans said Kaepernick was an "anti-American punk" who needs to learn to respect America-loving municipalities like Albany.
"This is not San Francisco. This is Albany and yes, we are an All-American City," said Oscar Rodenbeak, 51, a self-described patriot from Guilderland. "Colin Kaepernick and The Left need not apply."
Jargon Schlockbinder, 55, of Stockport, offered his two cents — an apropos assessment because he is unemployed and only has two cents.
"This is all Obama's fault,” Schlockbinder said. "That's where you get a dummy like this. Give me a Tim Tebow any day of the week over a Colin Kaepernick. Tim is a true patriot."
However, Jamie Shrew, a super-liberal chef from Colonie who wants to move to Brooklyn, said Kaepernick is one of the greatest Americans to ever visit the area.
“It is downright un-American to speak up and tell Colin Kaepernick he cannot speak his mind," Shrew said. "You don't have to like Colin, but, yes, you have to agree with him voicing his opinion. This is America. So when it comes to criticizing Colin, just zip it."
Kaepernick declined an interview with the Smudge. He said he needed to fly back to the West Coast so he can make Sunday's game versus the L.A. Rams during which he plans to sit on the bench for four quarters.