Mall Shopper Goes Nuts When Apple Worker Calls Newer Device ‘Vintage’

By Fred Furnace

Published September 18th, 2016

Photo by Andrew Forgrave

ALBANY — An Albany man is behind bars after a trip to the Apple store at Crossgates Mall ended with him assaulting workers there.

Police said Sylvester Bologna, a 44-year-old father of three, became irate and "started going berserk" after one of the store’s millennial staffers dismissively referred to the man’s iPhone5 as "vintage."

Bologna destroyed store equipment and assaulted several Genius Bar employees. He will be arraigned Monday and faces charges ranging from destruction of property to attempted murder.

Apple released a statement condemning the assault, calling it “another example of a middle-aged loser not hip enough to keep up with our technology.”

"People need to understand: if you want to keep your device from becoming ancient, you really need to upgrade a minimum of once a month," the statement said. “How else do you think we became a $600 trillion company?”

Clay Tookus, the 26-year-old manager of the mall’s Apple store, said Apple’s policy is to replace its entire product line "every few months."

"We are actually instructed by Apple to call a device ‘vintage’ once it is more than a few weeks old,” he said.

With the company’s unveiling of the iPhone 7 and elimination of the earphone jack, Tookus said “basically every Apple device that anyone owns now is completely outdated and pretty much useless."

Meanwhile, Bologna’s attorney, Johnny Cockring of the Troy law firm Cockring & Associates, maintained his client is the victim.

“How would you feel if some aloof Genius Bar punk rolled his eyes at you while callously calling your practically new phone, ‘vintage?’ Sylvester reacted the way any reasonable person would react: with anger, frustration, and violence. He was completely justified in beating up those bastards, and we look forward to our day in court.”


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