Hoosick Falls Water Contaminated with THC, Residents Elated

By Cecily Bapp

Published September 18th, 2016

Downtown Hoosick Falls (Photo by Daniel Case)

HOOSICK FALLS — In a situation disturbingly similar to one that recently took place in Colorado, the water supply of Hoosick Falls has tested positive for THC, the active mind-altering ingredient contained in marijuana.

Federal Environmental Protection Agency officials made the determination after the entire staff of Hoosick Falls High School tested positive for the presence of THC following routine employment drug screening.

Yet, instead of heeding EPA warnings against bathing in, cooking with or drinking the water, the impoverished and frequently inebriated village residents have been bottling and selling the laced liquid. ‘Hoosick Happy Water’ has been flying off the shelves at the local Stewart’s, and a branding effort is seeking to market the community’s hottest commodity.

“Hell yeah I’m selling it!” declared resident Roger Stroud. “Saratoga has Death Wish Coffee, but now Hoosick can sell its damn tap water! Cha-ching!”

“I’m not sure it’s entirely a bad thing,” mused Kim Reed, the high school’s assistant principal. “The kids have been getting along really well. There’s been little to no conflict, no fights to break up, no discipline incidents at all. Of course, no one is going to class on time and the cafeteria is packed, but at least they’re not at each others’ throats.”

Still, not everyone is taking the situation in stride.

“This is unacceptable and dangerous,” said state Assemblyman Mark Mywords, who is spearheading an investigation into the matter.

“First our water is giving us cancer, and now it’s getting the kids high. Can’t we catch a break, like Saratoga? Their water tastes like shit and they sell it for four bucks a bottle. Either someone is spiking it, or a fucking miracle has struck Hoosick Falls,” the assemblyman said. “My money’s on the former.”


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