Colonie Supervisor Eyed By Trump to be Mexican Wall Czar
By Pug Ransom
Published September 25th, 2016
COLONIE — Town of Colonie Supervisor Cricket Johnson will be nominated as head of the nation’s Customs and Border Protection agency should Donald Trump be elected president in November, The Albany Smudge has learned.
Sources close to the Trump campaign said Wednesday the billionaire — who is promising to build a wall along the southern border with Mexico — has been impressed with Johnson’s record of keeping South Colonie deplorables away from Loudonville, Latham and other northern communities in her town.
The Republican nominee also said Johnson has “a real nice rack.”
“Cricket’s definitely a perfect fit for the job,” said Sean Hannity, who spoke to the Smudge on the condition of anonymity. “First and foremost, she’s got wall experience. Almost as importantly, too, she understands the importance of looking down on people who are less fortunate. And thanks to the Superfund sites around Colonie, her skin is almost as orange as Donald’s.”
Johnson would not confirm whether she’s had any conversation with the Trump campaign, but she refused to rule out accepting the job if it is offered.
“Hey look, Mexican drug lords ain’t no thang,” she said. “I promised North Colonie I’d keep the shabby-dressed, low-income folks from South Colonie out of their community, and I’ve delivered by building the best wall along Albany-Shaker Road that anybody has ever seen. I have people calling me all the time, saying ‘Cricket, that’s such a fucking awesome wall.’
“And when I built that wall along our southern border from the intersection of Central Avenue and Balltown Road down to Consaul, I pledged to make the riff-raff from Schenectady pay for its construction and they did,” Johnson added. “I made Colonie somewhat acceptable again. I think I can do the same for America.”
Should Johnson be tapped by Trump, it will not exactly be clear sailing, as numerous social justice groups already appear to be organizing to oppose her nomination.
“Cricket Johnson is an intolerant and power-hungry ego-maniac,” said Harmony Penumbra, president of the People for the Ethical Treatment of South Colonie Residents. “She’s a pawn of Loudonville’s wealthy elites, she’s a beneficiary of Latham’s pay-to-play culture, and she’s prospered from the white privilege that permeates North Colonie. She is everything that’s wrong with politics. And, she’s also a whore.”