SUNY Polytechnic Student is 400-Pound Person Who Hacked DNC
By Leslie Carp
Published October 2nd, 2016
Donald Trump describing 400lb hacker and SUNY Polytechnic student Meredith Mungbean.
TROY — A computer science major at SUNY Polytechnic Institute has come forward with a claim that she is Donald Trump’s mythical 400-pound Democratic National Committee hacker.
Meredith Mungbean, 20, has been disillusioned with establishment politics — and passionate about cyberterrorism — since 1996. When Donald Trump suggested during last Monday night’s presidential debate at Hofstra University that the DNC hacker could be “somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds,” many critics scoffed at this claim, insisting it was yet another excuse for the outspoken Republican presidential nominee to bully people struggling with obesity.
But to the shock and surprise of many, it turns out Trump was actually right about “cyber.” Mungbean, who weighs 403 pounds at five-feet two-inches tall, telecommutes to her courses at SUNY Polytechnic Institute from the safety and comfort of her dormitory bed.
The Long Island native proudly announced Monday night that she is, in fact, “Guccifer 2.0,” the enigmatic hacker who leaked tens of thousands of DNC emails. Somewhat fittingly, the admission was made on 4chan, a website thought to be the birthplace of the ‘hacktivist’ collective Anonymous.
“I never thought I would be recognized on national TV for my work,” said Mungbean, washing down a boneless spare rib with Mountain Dew Baja Blast. “I’ve been a serious threat to international security since my first solid bowel movement, but no one has ever suspected me.”
Mungbean has been connected to dozens of cybercrimes and millions of troll posts, including the abhorrent forum personality "Ini" and the 2007 TJX customer data breach that ultimately claimed the life of boy genius hacker Jonathan James. It is even speculated that Mungbean may be the mastermind behind @realDonaldTrump.
The Cyber Division of the Federal Bureau of Investigation will be utilizing medieval siege tactics in the pursuit and arrest of Mungbean.
“We plan on starving her out of her room — or at least until she can get out of bed,” said Fudge Fancy, a lead investigator with the Cyber Division.
SUNY Poly has agreed to allow FBI agents to blockade the dormitory building in which Mungbean resides, as long as the Feds pay for the extensive sanitation and pest removal services that will doubtlessly be needed after 30 months of occupation by a bedbound, immobile hacker.