Area Voters Frustrated by Candidates’ Insults, Accusations and Sex Rituals

By Cecily Bapp

Published October 16th, 2016

ALBANY — A new survey of area residents has revealed two common themes regarding the upcoming presidential race: utter exhaustion with the campaign and intense confusion about how to approach one’s female romantic companion.

“Holy Christ, I can’t keep it all straight,” said Brad Troutfisher, a full time Social Studies teacher in Latham and a part-time alcoholic. “I need a flow chart to keep track of the insults and accusations about who cheated on who. The only thing I’m sure of is that Hillary has never had sex with anyone. She’s like the Virgin Mary, only without a vagina.”

Heidi Kennedy, a SUNY Albany sophomore and dual International Economics and Primitive Cultures major, gave voice to the confusion many Capital District residents are struggling with: Is there some sort of sexual practice that we’re unaware of in Albany?

“Trump said grab them by their p----! I know I’m a virgin and all, but am I supposed to like that? Or should I start blowing my rape whistle if it happens? Is it something they do in California? Is it considered foreplay? I’ve watched every episode of ‘Girls’, and while Lena Dunham is pretty open and everything, I don’t think I’ve seen that yet.”

Single Mom Clemantine Hirsute concurred.

“Of course I was for Bernie from the start, and I still might vote for him, you know — write in? Bernie would give everybody free tuition, free health insurance, and free weed also because he is from Vermont. Anyway, my second choice is Hillary, because she is a woman, and I’m a woman. But now I’m not so sure anymore about her, or about myself.”

Neil Kochburg, an Albany native and New York state public servant, said he’s simply “sick and tired of it all.”

“I’m spent,” said Kochburg. “Have I made up my mind who to vote for? Of course I have, months ago. But this back and forth in the press is brutal. I can’t decide who the bigger shithead is. And I can’t decide how guilty to feel.”

Albany Mayor Kathy Sheehan, a spokeswoman for all Capital District women as well as womanly thinkers everywhere, said her mind’s made up.

“Given Donald Trump’s recent remarks, anyone who supports him should be hung from the highest tree. And, it’s my way or the highway. There is no place in our democracy for people with differing views.”


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