Glenville’s Ken Bone Lookalike Briefly Considered Attractive By Women
By Leslie Carp
Published October 16th, 2016
Boyle Dudley of Glenville poses with students outside Union College.
GLENVILLE — A local man who bears striking resemblance to undecided voter Ken Bone has found himself suddenly irresistible to women, who prior to the debate would have been disgusted by his very existence.
Boyle Dudley of Glenville could not possibly have been less prepared for the sudden onslaught of female attention paid after his doppelganger’s recent appearance on national TV. The 49-year-old school bus driver has been single, mustachioed and overweight since the tender age of nine.
“Usually women react to me as though I'm a silverfish or a cockroach, so this is quite a change,” observed Dudley. “Now all of a sudden I can’t go to Walmart without at least three or four women propositioning me for sex.”
Perhaps the logical next step following the rise in appeal of the less-than-shredded “dad bod,” American women have fallen in lust with Ken Bone’s portly physique and fantastic facial hair. Dudley is just one of many lookalikes nationwide who find themselves being compared to the rising star of the second presidential debate.
“So, I used to think fat guys with mustaches were gross virgin losers,” admitted Fern Fiddlehead, a dreadlocked millennial who fondled Dudley’s genitals rather aggressively at the Dunkin Donuts on Balltown Road. “But I watched the debate Sunday and now I think they’re totally hot!”
Prior to the ascent of Ken Bone as a sex symbol, Dudley had never even been on a date, preferring instead to stay at home reading and working on a series of science fiction novels.
“Before this Ken Bone thing blew up, whenever a woman glanced my way, I instinctively turned to see who was behind me,” he recalled. “The constant rejection and snubbing destroyed my self-esteem, which got to be worse than nonexistent. I honestly grew to resent women because I was so invisible to them.”
Dudley does not plan on entering into a relationship with any of the round-bottomed Instagram models or Saratoga ‘milves’ who have been pursuing him tirelessly at gas stations and Home Depot.
“When I do find love, it’s going to be someone who genuinely cares about my interests and personality — not some shallow person who will go back to making fun of fat guys with mustaches once Ken Bone’s 15 minutes of fame are up."