Poll: Even Prison Seamstress More Popular than Trump and Clinton Among Area Voters
By Fred Furnace
Published October 16th, 2016
ALBANY — Results of a recent poll conducted by political science students at the University at Albany show little support locally for the two major party presidential candidates — with a whopping 79 percent of area residents saying they plan to vote for a nonsensical write-in candidate.
Paul Flangly, a junior Poly Sci major from Cohoes familiar with the poll, said only a small percent of local residents plan to vote for Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump, with Democrat Clinton polling at 12 percent locally and Republican Trump at only eight percent.
“It’s a dismal showing,” he said. “They are both just really awful human beings.”
Flangly said if the election were held today, “Alec Baldwin’s version of Trump from SNL" would receive the highest percentage of votes locally, with a whopping 22 percent. Second place would go to "that gross seamstress from Dannemora prison where those two guys escaped,” who despite her own incarceration now still projects to receive 14 percent of the local vote through write-in.
Other popular write-in candidates include: Channel 13 weather man and all-around good guy Bob Kovachick, with six percent; “that loud, fat, annoying guy from the car dealership commercials” with four percent; “Beyonce’s sweet ass” with three percent; and the Cohoes Mastadon, cartoon character Garfield, and Friehofer’s chocolate chip cookies, all with two percent.
Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson is projected to finish dead last locally. Although he is a real candidate, Johnson trails even the most ridiculous of write-in candidates, including Earl B. Feiden (which is not a person at all but, rather, a Latham appliance store that most people mistakenly assume closed sometime in the mid-1980s), “glazed donuts,” and “Tupac’s corpse.”
Hillary Clinton’s camp dismissed the low poll numbers, saying: “Aw, phooey; we all know Albany is going to vote Democrat.” Her campaign also pointed to her “175-percent approval rating as senator,” and the fact she “single-handedly tracked down Osama bin Laden when she was Secretary of State, and then killed him with her bare hands.”
Trump, meanwhile, got into a late-night Twitter war with Albany, firing off barbs such as: "Albany? Never heard of it;” “Albany is Utica’s armpit;” “If those morons don’t vote for me, it just proves they are inbred hicks;” “Albany – lots of fat ugly chicks. A very, very bad place;” and “Except for Schenectady… Schenectady I like. Chicks from Schenectady know how to party."