Bethlehem Grad Distraught After Having to Settle for UAlbany

By Fred Furnace

Published October 23rd, 2016

State Quad, one of four main dormitories on the Uptown Campus (Photo By Matt Wade)

BETHLEHEM – An upper middle-class white kid from Bethlehem is said to be “extremely unhappy and depressed” at having to attend the University at Albany instead of one of the “much better private schools all his friends are attending,” the Smudge has learned.

Mitch Mahoney, a 2016 graduate of Bethlehem High School, says he was forced to attend “a shitty safety school” when he failed to gain admittance or land an academic scholarship to any of his first-choice schools, such as Williams, Cornell, Penn, Princeton, or NYU.

“This place is total bullshit,” Mahoney said upon finishing his first month of classes at UAlbany. “A few months ago I was at Bethlehem, surrounded by naturally gifted kids and great teachers. I was challenged intellectually every day. But now I’m at this clown-college surrounded by retards from downstate who can barely spell their own names.

“And the professors aren’t much better,” he added. “Literally every single teacher from Bethlehem is smarter than every single professor at this shithole school. I’m literally learning nothing.”

Renowned Behavioral Psychologist M. Norman Bunny explained it can be “devastating and humiliating” when an upper-crust white kid from a wealthy suburb is forced to attend a “lowly state school” — especially when all his friends are attending expensive, private colleges.

“I see this from time-to-time with kids who grow up in wealthy suburbs like Bethlehem, North Colonie, and Clifton Park,” Bunny said. “Most of those rich kids will go on to attend expensive private colleges, but a few might end up at a SUNY where it can be very tough for privileged kids to integrate with the 'regular kids.’

“It wouldn’t surprise me if his snooty friends have already started shunning him, too,” Bunny said. “I expect Mitch's depression will only get worse before it gets better.”

Mahoney's parents said they are very worried about their son and will consider transferring him to a more appropriately priced college next semester. 


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