Clown College Poll: Nobody 'Gives a Shit' about Congressional Race
Published October 23rd, 2016
ALBANY — A new poll conducted by a professional clown college shows nine out of 10 Capital District voters have never heard of congressional candidates John Faso and Zephyr Teachout, and they "don't give a rat’s ass" about the race.
Political clown Dodge McPherson conducted an exhaustive sampling of 40 registered voters in the 19th Congressional District occupied by Rep. Chris Gibson, a Republican who is leaving office. The poll found the only people who’ve heard of Faso, Teachout or Gibson were Faso, Teachout and Gibson, said McPherson.
"This is awful. There is a serious chance that nobody will vote in this race," said McPherson, who wears an expensive suit under his clown outfit.
"We need to get out the vote or there will be some serious repercussions. Representation in Washington is no joke," said McPherson, as he powdered his face and stepped into his giant clown shoes. "This is no time to not be serious."
Mike Rabbit, a staunch Republican from Columbia County, said he thought he recognized Faso from his local supermarket.
"He looks familiar," Rabbit told the Smudge. ''Is he a friendly clown?"
A Smudge reporter told Rabbit that Faso was not a clown, but rather one of two candidates seeking election to the 19th Congressional District. Rabbit replied: "Who gives a shit? I want to hear more about the clown."
Archie Leaf, a progressive Democrat, said he thought Teachout looked like "the type of clown that can make a difference."
"I have no idea who she is, or what she stands for, but she seems cool," Leaf said. "She just seems like a very chill clown."
Spokespeople for Faso and Teachout issued a joint statement to the Smudge, saying both candidates are "most definitely not clowns."
But Dave Burberhead, an Internet troll from Niskayuna, said he was not so sure.
"They are all clowns," he said. "That's why I'm not voting."