State’s Non-Discrimination Law Extended to Fat, Ugly People

By Fred Furnace

Published October 30th, 2016

ALBANY—In his ongoing efforts to outlaw all forms of social injustice, Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo announced a plan today to end discrimination against less-attractive New Yorkers.

“It is time we put an end to the discrimination faced by attractively challenged citizens,” Cuomo said at a Capitol news conference announcing his executive order to expand the state’s anti-discrimination law.

“No longer will attractive New Yorkers have advantages over their ugly counterparts. Whatever classification of beauty-insecurity they may fall in — be it ‘facially deficient,’ ‘visage impaired,’ ‘unsightly,’ ‘non-photogenic,’ ‘un-captivating,’ ‘difficult-on-the-eyes,’ or just plain ‘ugly’ — their suffering ends today.”

Under the new law, New Yorkers will no longer be allowed to discriminate for any purpose on the basis of looks. The law would apply not only to hiring and employment decisions by public and private actors, but also to intensely personal decisions, such as dating, marriage, or using social media for quick sex with a local random stranger.

Cuomo, in a controversial move, said the law’s protections will also extend to fat people as well.  

“This law is intended to cover all varieties of grossness,” he said. “Not just uglies, but fatties too. Filthies, dirties, smellies — you name it. In the eyes of the law, physical unattractiveness will no longer exist.”

The announcement received mixed reactions locally, with residents divided mostly along the lines of personal attractiveness.

“This is outstanding news,” said a weeping Mark Schloff, an unattractive fatty from Lansingburg who heard the news while listening to sports radio in his Toyota RAV4 as he scarfed down a bag of greasy fries from Five Guys. "I’m going to bone so many babes; or else I’m going to sue.”

But Trevor Buff, a hot personal trainer from Bethlehem, whose clients are all wealthy and attractive stay-at-home moms, expressed dismay at the legislation.

“I don’t get how this is supposed to work: Are we supposed to just pretend ugly people are as good as the rest of us? That’s insanity.”

The law takes effect next Monday.


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