County Fair Bragging Rights Fuels Altamont-Schaghticoke Gang War

By Fred Furnace

Published November 6th, 2016

The normally tranquil towns of Altamont and Schaghticoke have become bloody war zones in recent weeks, as rival gangs continue their violence over which town hosts the better county fair.

“Altamont is the only fair that matters in these parts — end of story,” said Altamont resident and gang-banger John “Tilt-a-Whirl” Reyes. “And everyone in Capitaland knows it. Those sorry-ass bitches in Schaghticoke don’t know shit about running a good fair. Altamont Fair is the shizzy.”

Reyes said he and his Altamont-based street gang plan to continue “capping as many of those punks from Schaghticoke as it takes” to prove their point.

“Yeah, we’ll tell those privileged little fags from Altamont that they don’t know shit,” said Javier “Ferris Wheel” Ferentz, an Essa from a rival Schaghticoke gang. “The Schaghticoke Fair is the best fair this side of Syracuse, bro. And my GLOCK 9 agrees with me.”

Thus far, 16 gang members have been killed and dozens more injured in the ongoing feud. Officials from both towns say the body count has been rising “almost daily.”

“Altamont is renowned for two things: the smell of manure and the fair,” said Albany Chamber of Commerce member Reggie Cleveland. “The fair is who they are as a people. So, naturally, when a place like Schaghticoke – also known for the smell of manure and its fair – challenges Altamont’s identity, you can expect hillbillies on both sides to react with violence.”

Cleveland said the now-defunct Metroland’s annual rankings of local county fairs “helped keep the peace and establish a natural pecking order for many years.” But, Cleveland added, a void was created when Metroland ceased publishing at the end of 2015.

“That void has now been filled with violence,” he said.

News of the bloodshed has surprised those living in nearby communities — mostly because local residents were completely unaware that people actually lived in Altamont and Schaghticoke.

“I thought those places only popped up during fair season," said a bewildered Deborah Jones of Albany. "I never knew they were actual towns and that people actually lived there.”


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