Sanders backer drops LSD, jumps off Albany skyscraper
by Quack Davis
Published November 6th, 2016
ALBANY — A Bernie Sanders supporter was briefly hospitalized Wednesday after he dropped a "significant amount" of LSD and tried to fly off the top of the Corning Tower, police said.
Mario Suction, 46, of Delmar, plunged off the 42-story skyscraper but was saved when his long red beard and tie-dyed shirt were caught in a window on the way down.
"This numbskull is going to be OK," said State Police Sgt. Blunk Charleston. "He ingested a significant amount of hallucinogens but was saved by his grubby beard and hippie rag."
Witnesses at the Empire State Plaza quickly recognized Suction from his frequent Facebook posts bashing Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton and the mainstream media.
"This election was stolen from us. Wake the fuck up, sheeple!" Suction posted early Wednesday.
"Still think Trump is worse? Well that's what the media wants you all to believe," Suction said in another post. "Me? I'm totally in the mood for some blotter acid."
Hours later he wrote: "Droppin' mad acid and feeling the Bern!"
Suction's girlfriend, Kitty Mae Googs, told the Smudge her boyfriend was “tripping ballz” and under the impression he was a giant, powerful rooster.
"We got into an argument,” Googs said. “I told him, 'Babe, you're not a rooster.' Mario said he would prove it to me and that he was going to fly off the Corning Tower. But roosters don't fly, man. I’m just glad he’s OK."