Local Couple Opts for Mass Suicide Instead of Traditional Wedding Reception
By Leslie Carp
Published November 13th, 2016
TROY — Citing “irreconcilable differences” with the wedding-industrial complex, a Troy couple has decided to celebrate their nuptials with a ritualistic mass suicide in lieu of a traditional five-hour reception.
John Fleisch proposed to his fiancée Kendra Muscles at the “Burnt Orange” bodybuilding show. Like many couples, they guffawed smugly about how much money other people spend on weddings, and were greeted with profound sticker shock when they started researching venues.
According to wedding magazine and website “The Noose,” the average American couple spends about $1,000 per plate on their wedding ceremony and reception — which adds up quickly when you consider how difficult it is to prune those pesky cousins and old friends from high school you don’t have anything in common with off one’s guest list.
“The last straw was when I requested pricing to rent that vacant warehouse next to the dump in South Troy and they wanted $10,000,” recalled Muscles. “Some crap about it being ‘industrial-chic’ and ‘rustic.’ I knew then and there that we should just end it all now.”
“Ritual suicide has been glorified in all the great art forms — theater, opera, and heavy metal music,” said Fleisch, standing at half-mast at the mere thought of it.
Eschewing tradition and mixing in elements of modern hip-hop, Fleisch and Muscles and 100 of their closest friends and relatives plan on imbibing a lethal amount of “sizzurp” - a mixture of cough syrup containing codeine and promethazine, Jolly Ranchers, and Sprite.
“We think this will be a fitting end,” said Muscles. “Everyone will be so chopped and screwed, they won’t even care that they’re about to die.”